Why?

Why do I try so hard to make sure everyone else is happy even if it means making myself miserable? I decided last night that I would answer when Matt called me. See if we could work things out. I even pretended to be happy for him even though it felt like a knife in my heart. I thought maybe he'd apologise for being a jerk and say he didnt want to lose our friendship. So I answer and I was being all quiet cause I was scared. And he asked what i was doing. I told him and asked what he was doing. His response was "Just laying in bed with Taush" OUCH! So I said hmm well I'll let you go then. Than he accuses me of being immature. So I said fine we'll talk. What do you want? And he started telling me if I wanted to be his friend I had to be Tausha's. So i said no. She's a backstabber. She was never a real friend. This was all before he told me he was with her and I was on speaker. I told him that I didnt understand how either one of them could do this. Especially after all the crap he talked on her. Than he hung up. So I texted him and said"Now who's immature" And he said "Yep.Have a nice life. Don't bother texting me or Taush for that matter." Why would I put myself through all this you might ask. I honestly don;t know anymore. The feelings I have for him are SO strong. I just wanted to see if he still felt the same. Apparently not. So of course I am at Rachels and I decide to call my mom because i was SO ANGRY! So I call her and just start sobbing. She didnt say I told you so. She listened. And her response was "Okay Randi, this is what were gonna do this time." I love how she said were. I know she's there to help :) "You're gonna cry your eyes out for a few days. Than your gonna write it off. Its gonna be over. Ya it might still hurt a year from now but not nearly as much as it does now. Its gonna keep hurting this bad if you keep trying to talk to him. He's a bad person!" Than she told me to come home. But honestly I just needed to be with Rachel. Can I just tell you what a strength she was to me last night. She started talking about when she was in the same situation. She told me "I can't tell you when it will stop hurting, but I can promise you that it does." Those words gave me so much strength. I don't think she realizes how much her advice means to me. The fact that she is ALWAYS there no matter what. She texted me last night til I fell asleep. It really truly helped me realize that were not just sisters anymore. Were best friends. I regret that we weren't closer when we were little. But honestly I think it helped us both to realize that when it comes down to it, family is the only thing that doesnt go away. She is such an incredible person. I can't wait to get married in the temple and have her there front and center. I also love her husband, Casey. He doesn't realize how much I look up to him and Rachel. I don't think they realize how much I love and care about them. They are my best friends. The blessing Casey gave me the other night was INCREDIBLE! The spirit was definitely there. I love them so stinking much!
I found a new quote that I put on my wall. It reads "You never realize how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you've got." This is so true! I never thought I could do it. But I didn't get much of a choice. All I can do now is pray for the strength to stand everyday. When life gets too hard to stand. Kneel. Those words are very true. Last night was a rough one. Not only because of what happened but because I decided i'm never letting it happen again. I realize its gonna be hard to trust ANY guys now. But I'm done with this. I'm moving on and I'm not turning back. There is a reason some people dont make it to our future. The past is the past. Its done. What happened happened. Do i really want to associate with these kind of people? NO. I found out who my real friends are and I dont need anybody else. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. I love them all!