Harder than I thought...

So yesterday I was doing so good. I was happy for the first time in a while. I was back to the old me. The real me. I was in such a good mood. Counting my blessings. Realizing how good I have it. Which I really do have it so good but we will get to that later! So I get home, Rachy and Casey come over which made my whole night. I love it when they come over. So im thinking man my day can't possibly get any better than this. So I go take a shower and while I'm drying off and putting clothes on I decide to check my phone for messages or missed calls ya know? Well I have 5 new messages. And of course one of them is from.....Matt. I thought I was over it. I thought it wouldn't effect me like it did. I didn't text him back. Luckily Rachel was there for me. She kept saying "That ring you just bought means dont text Matt." Lol the ring has footprints on it and says It was than that I carried you. I think she just said that to be funny. But it really made me think. I'm not going through this alone. I never was. It hit hard. And today has been one of the hardest days since I have decided not to talk to matt. Its his birthday and I'm dying to text him and tell him Happy Birthday. but Im not going to. Rachel told me last night, texting him and being mean won't hurt him as much as you not textin him at all. So I guess i wont talk to him. Its gonna be really hard but its also gotten alot easier. I just keep thinking "He picked her over me. This is where I stand in his life." I know I deserve better. I will find better :) So back to the whole counting my blessings thing. I was driving home from work yesterday and saw some cops cleaning up an accident. It made me realize how blessed I am that I only have to read or see these things happen to other people. The kidnapping, the murdering, the raping that goes on in our surroundings. Its a miracle that I am not involved in these things. I used to hang out with a group called the Juggalos. Most of you have probably never heard of them. They smoke pot and listen to insane clown posse. Well they have been in the news alot lately for attempted murder and sadly i used to affiliate myself with these kind of people. I knew the people in both cases of attempted murder. One of my very best friends is engaged to the head of rivertons chapter of juggalo wicked clowns. Its ridiculous. She used to be such a good girl. Wanted to get married in the temple. Than we started hanging out with them. She started drinking and smoking. I stopped hangin out with them and we stopped talking. Its so heartbreaking to see the affect of drugs and alcohol on someone you love so much! I can't even imagine doing that. I am so blessed I got out of that before it was too late!

Halloween...

So Halloween is like my favorite holiday EVER!! Its such a blast! This year I had 3 costumes LOL! I bought the first one for my sister in law and brothers Halloween party. Me and Rachel got matching costumes (Kinda) I was a bobble head grim reaper and she was a bobble head devil!

The second costume was for a ward activity where the primary teachers were to dress up in 50's attire. so I was in a poodle skirt. The picture isnt very good because a 10 year old took it with my phone lol!

My final costume was for work. I was supposed to be an 80's girl with Krista but according to Phil I was a HIT (Hooker in training) This was probably my favorite costume.

The past week!

Life has its way of spiraling out of control. I have definitely found out who my real friends are! I have found out that I can handle alot more than I thought I could. I know I already posted this quote but I also have it on my wall above my bed. "Its crazy how one day you think you could never live your life without him. Than the next day, your doing just that." It just goes to show that there is a reason some people don't make it to your future. One of my favorite songs about having strength is by Bucky Covington. Its entitled I'll walk. It talks about him being 18 years old with his girlfriend on prom night. They got in a huge fight and she tells him to pull the car over and let her out. He tries to stop her and she says "I'll walk. Let go of my hand. Right now I'm hurt and you don't understand. So just be quiet later we will talk. Just LEAVE don't worry. I'll walk" That night the girl gets hit by a truck. When he goes to visit her in the hospital the doctors tell him that her legs still won't move. He cries when he walks into her room. She says "I'll walk! Please come and hold my hand, right now I'm hurt and I dont understand! Lets just be quiet. Later we can talk. Please stay! Don't worry. I'll walk." So he held her hand through the weeks and months of therapy. He asks her to be his bride. Her dream since she was a little girl is to have her daddy bring her down the aisle. So from a wheelchair, she looks up at him and smiles. She says "I'll walk, please hold my hand. I know that this will hurt. I know you understand. Please Daddy don't cry. This is already hard. Lets go! Don't worry I'll walk."
How incredible would it be to have so much strength. I dont know what I would do if had an accident and was paralyzed.. I would not handle it well. Last week Baron, a guy at works niece and nephew were shooting eachother with airsoft guns. Well apparently his niece picked up a .22 pistol thinking it was just another airsoft gun and shot her brother in the neck. He was life flighted to the U hospital where he is paralyzed from the chest down. How sad. I can't imagine being in his or his sisters position. How heart wrenching. He is recovering quite well. He still doesnt know that he is paralyzed. The havent told him. He will be in the hospital for 6 or 7 months! On a happier note though I found out today that i get thanksgiving and the day after off! Thats Happy! Haha!

My mommy!

I have the best mom on this planet. Seriously. After the whole Matt and Taush saga or whatever you wanna call it. She knows that I try to hide my feelings from everyone. When Im sad I dont cry in front of people, i just act like things dont bother me. I act like Im angry rather than sad. So last night we were talking and she was telling me about one of her bad break ups and she was talking about my sisters bad break up and I just couldnt take it any more. I burst into sobs and my exact words were "When does it stop hurting." My mom pushed everything she was doing to the side, grabbed my hand and said I'm gonna tell you the truth. It hurts like crazy for the first week. Hurts quite a bit the second week still hurts the third and sometimes fourth week. But usually by the fifth week it only hurts when you hear a song they showed you or something reminds you of them. Sometimes the hurt doesnt go all the way away. I was just sobbing all the way through this. I said Mom i can't do it! And she said "You dont understand how strong you really are, Randi. You are capable of doing so much better. You are beautiful." Than when she thought I was asleep on the couch, which i was pretty out of it cause i took Nyquil I overheard her tell my dad "Our poor baby girl. She's going through her first heartbreak and there is nothing I can do to take the pain away." My dads response was "I know its all a part of growing up". I just want to let my mom know how much i love her. She isn't just my mom. She's my best friend and my hero. She knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me. She knows my likes and my dislikes. And she is always there with a hug no matter what. I trust her with my life. I would take a million bullets for this woman. I have SO much respect for my mom. She truly is the most INCREDIBLE woman I know. She can conquer anything. She is so smart and so beautiful. She can cure any illness with just the touch of her hand. She can't quite cure a broken heart yet but she did have me trash talking and laughing pretty hard last night haha! I just wanted to let her know how much i love her! Thanks for being my shoulder to cry on mommy! I Love you so much!

My beautiful mommy! I luf her!

I'll walk....

Last night I went to my BEAUTIFUL sisters house to go grocery shopping. And lately I have been stressed about alot of stuff. Namely Matt. Well when I got there I asked her if her husband would give me a blessing. Now he had no idea why he asked if I just needed a comfort blessing or what and I said yes, just comfort please! And the second he layed his hands on my head, he knew exactly what was going on. He told me that I had a lot of very hard trials ahead of me. But I wouldn't be alone through them. And he blessed me that I would be a strong enough person to be able to handle them. I just didnt know how soon they would come. Then when I got home last night Matt texted me and told me him and Taush had been hanging out and they really like eachother. It may be immature but I said "You guys are stupid. I'm done with both of you" He didnt even try to fight it or anything he just said okay. I think he thinks that I will cave in and text him. Well I'm not going to this time. Than I texted Taush and said "I heard about you and Matt. Some best friend you are" Than I grabbed my teddy bear and cried myself to sleep. I hate this. I am NOT the girl that cries over a stupid boy! What is wrong with me!?!?! Than Rach helped quite a bit texting me til I fell asleep. She's such a great sister. Than the second I walked in to Krista's office she asked "When are we slashing that Ho's tires?" Haha I love her. It hurts right now and its hard not to cry but im strong. I can handle anything.

Moving On...

So we are told from the time we are born til the time we start dating (At least I was) that all boys will hurt you and that you should just stay away from them. For a while, even after i started dating, i believed this. All because of one stupid guy that I kept letting hurt me. Well I've decided to move on. Today on our way back from gateway Krista could tell I was very frustrated and she automatically knew why. She told me I could either be with this guy or not be with him. There is no in between. When you say you are in between you are an unpaid hooker basically" And honestly it really hit me. Thats how I'm acting. I'm letting him basically tell me that we can never be more than friends than he starts kissing me and wanting more. I refuse to be his unpaid (or paid) hooker. So I guess all that leaves is moving on. I know it will be hard. I feel like I am never going to find the guy I'm supposed to be with. I hate dating. I stumbled across a few quotes about this that I'd like to share with you so here goes:
"Its weird how one day u feel ull never be able to live ur life without him...and then the next day ur doing exactly that."
"Letting go doesnt mean u have to stop loving someone...it simply means u have to accept that there are some things that cannot be."
"Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, its not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldnt give up on them."

This is why I don't hang out with alot of girls:

D R A M A!
Seriously. I hate girls. This is why I only have guy friends. I now have 2 girls I trust. Rachel, and Krista. They are the 2 people I could call at any hour with the dumbest problem and they would be there in a heartbeat. They are the ones that I know wouldn't judge me. They know what my goals are and they are there to help me reach for them! These are the people I would do anything for. They have helped me get to where I am in my life. They have helped to make me who I am.

Rachel- I love that I can text you at 2 am and you would call me just to make sure I was okay. I love that when I leave your house or when you know that I am going anywhere you always call me to make sure Im safe. That shows how much you care! I love you!

Krista- I love our lunch time shopping sprees. And our funny email conversations. I love that you always know when Im having a bad day and you just sit and listen to all the crap I have to say and you never laugh in my face because I am SO Immature! I also love all of our inside jokes. I am glad that we have gotten such a close friendship! Thanks for always being there for me. Your advice means alot to me!