Why?

Why do I try so hard to make sure everyone else is happy even if it means making myself miserable? I decided last night that I would answer when Matt called me. See if we could work things out. I even pretended to be happy for him even though it felt like a knife in my heart. I thought maybe he'd apologise for being a jerk and say he didnt want to lose our friendship. So I answer and I was being all quiet cause I was scared. And he asked what i was doing. I told him and asked what he was doing. His response was "Just laying in bed with Taush" OUCH! So I said hmm well I'll let you go then. Than he accuses me of being immature. So I said fine we'll talk. What do you want? And he started telling me if I wanted to be his friend I had to be Tausha's. So i said no. She's a backstabber. She was never a real friend. This was all before he told me he was with her and I was on speaker. I told him that I didnt understand how either one of them could do this. Especially after all the crap he talked on her. Than he hung up. So I texted him and said"Now who's immature" And he said "Yep.Have a nice life. Don't bother texting me or Taush for that matter." Why would I put myself through all this you might ask. I honestly don;t know anymore. The feelings I have for him are SO strong. I just wanted to see if he still felt the same. Apparently not. So of course I am at Rachels and I decide to call my mom because i was SO ANGRY! So I call her and just start sobbing. She didnt say I told you so. She listened. And her response was "Okay Randi, this is what were gonna do this time." I love how she said were. I know she's there to help :) "You're gonna cry your eyes out for a few days. Than your gonna write it off. Its gonna be over. Ya it might still hurt a year from now but not nearly as much as it does now. Its gonna keep hurting this bad if you keep trying to talk to him. He's a bad person!" Than she told me to come home. But honestly I just needed to be with Rachel. Can I just tell you what a strength she was to me last night. She started talking about when she was in the same situation. She told me "I can't tell you when it will stop hurting, but I can promise you that it does." Those words gave me so much strength. I don't think she realizes how much her advice means to me. The fact that she is ALWAYS there no matter what. She texted me last night til I fell asleep. It really truly helped me realize that were not just sisters anymore. Were best friends. I regret that we weren't closer when we were little. But honestly I think it helped us both to realize that when it comes down to it, family is the only thing that doesnt go away. She is such an incredible person. I can't wait to get married in the temple and have her there front and center. I also love her husband, Casey. He doesn't realize how much I look up to him and Rachel. I don't think they realize how much I love and care about them. They are my best friends. The blessing Casey gave me the other night was INCREDIBLE! The spirit was definitely there. I love them so stinking much!
I found a new quote that I put on my wall. It reads "You never realize how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you've got." This is so true! I never thought I could do it. But I didn't get much of a choice. All I can do now is pray for the strength to stand everyday. When life gets too hard to stand. Kneel. Those words are very true. Last night was a rough one. Not only because of what happened but because I decided i'm never letting it happen again. I realize its gonna be hard to trust ANY guys now. But I'm done with this. I'm moving on and I'm not turning back. There is a reason some people dont make it to our future. The past is the past. Its done. What happened happened. Do i really want to associate with these kind of people? NO. I found out who my real friends are and I dont need anybody else. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. I love them all!

Missy's wedding!

So my cousin Melisa got married on saturday. Everything went really well. My and Rachel were both in her line. Alot of very interesting things happened, first of all the wedding was supposed to start at 4 we left Marie's house at 330 and she had yet to take a shower. It was insane! Than we get there and my cousin Curtis' ex wife and ex girlfriend had been invited so they were there. So was his fiance. Talk about tense. Talk about drama! They all ended up gettin in a knock down drag out fight in the hall and Marie sent them all home before the reception. So the dance CD wasn't burnt because Curtis was supposed to burn it but he left. So my Beautiful cousin Karin and her husband Josh started working like crazy to get the CD burnt. Than the photographer kept taking pictures of my and Karin. It was hilarious. He said we both looked better than the bride so we would be the album cover. It was SO funny! I dont have my camera so I dont have pictures with me of the whole wedding but I do have some of me after I changed into my hoodie and jeans and I was still all dolled up.

Harder than I thought...

So yesterday I was doing so good. I was happy for the first time in a while. I was back to the old me. The real me. I was in such a good mood. Counting my blessings. Realizing how good I have it. Which I really do have it so good but we will get to that later! So I get home, Rachy and Casey come over which made my whole night. I love it when they come over. So im thinking man my day can't possibly get any better than this. So I go take a shower and while I'm drying off and putting clothes on I decide to check my phone for messages or missed calls ya know? Well I have 5 new messages. And of course one of them is from.....Matt. I thought I was over it. I thought it wouldn't effect me like it did. I didn't text him back. Luckily Rachel was there for me. She kept saying "That ring you just bought means dont text Matt." Lol the ring has footprints on it and says It was than that I carried you. I think she just said that to be funny. But it really made me think. I'm not going through this alone. I never was. It hit hard. And today has been one of the hardest days since I have decided not to talk to matt. Its his birthday and I'm dying to text him and tell him Happy Birthday. but Im not going to. Rachel told me last night, texting him and being mean won't hurt him as much as you not textin him at all. So I guess i wont talk to him. Its gonna be really hard but its also gotten alot easier. I just keep thinking "He picked her over me. This is where I stand in his life." I know I deserve better. I will find better :) So back to the whole counting my blessings thing. I was driving home from work yesterday and saw some cops cleaning up an accident. It made me realize how blessed I am that I only have to read or see these things happen to other people. The kidnapping, the murdering, the raping that goes on in our surroundings. Its a miracle that I am not involved in these things. I used to hang out with a group called the Juggalos. Most of you have probably never heard of them. They smoke pot and listen to insane clown posse. Well they have been in the news alot lately for attempted murder and sadly i used to affiliate myself with these kind of people. I knew the people in both cases of attempted murder. One of my very best friends is engaged to the head of rivertons chapter of juggalo wicked clowns. Its ridiculous. She used to be such a good girl. Wanted to get married in the temple. Than we started hanging out with them. She started drinking and smoking. I stopped hangin out with them and we stopped talking. Its so heartbreaking to see the affect of drugs and alcohol on someone you love so much! I can't even imagine doing that. I am so blessed I got out of that before it was too late!

Halloween...

So Halloween is like my favorite holiday EVER!! Its such a blast! This year I had 3 costumes LOL! I bought the first one for my sister in law and brothers Halloween party. Me and Rachel got matching costumes (Kinda) I was a bobble head grim reaper and she was a bobble head devil!

The second costume was for a ward activity where the primary teachers were to dress up in 50's attire. so I was in a poodle skirt. The picture isnt very good because a 10 year old took it with my phone lol!

My final costume was for work. I was supposed to be an 80's girl with Krista but according to Phil I was a HIT (Hooker in training) This was probably my favorite costume.

The past week!

Life has its way of spiraling out of control. I have definitely found out who my real friends are! I have found out that I can handle alot more than I thought I could. I know I already posted this quote but I also have it on my wall above my bed. "Its crazy how one day you think you could never live your life without him. Than the next day, your doing just that." It just goes to show that there is a reason some people don't make it to your future. One of my favorite songs about having strength is by Bucky Covington. Its entitled I'll walk. It talks about him being 18 years old with his girlfriend on prom night. They got in a huge fight and she tells him to pull the car over and let her out. He tries to stop her and she says "I'll walk. Let go of my hand. Right now I'm hurt and you don't understand. So just be quiet later we will talk. Just LEAVE don't worry. I'll walk" That night the girl gets hit by a truck. When he goes to visit her in the hospital the doctors tell him that her legs still won't move. He cries when he walks into her room. She says "I'll walk! Please come and hold my hand, right now I'm hurt and I dont understand! Lets just be quiet. Later we can talk. Please stay! Don't worry. I'll walk." So he held her hand through the weeks and months of therapy. He asks her to be his bride. Her dream since she was a little girl is to have her daddy bring her down the aisle. So from a wheelchair, she looks up at him and smiles. She says "I'll walk, please hold my hand. I know that this will hurt. I know you understand. Please Daddy don't cry. This is already hard. Lets go! Don't worry I'll walk."
How incredible would it be to have so much strength. I dont know what I would do if had an accident and was paralyzed.. I would not handle it well. Last week Baron, a guy at works niece and nephew were shooting eachother with airsoft guns. Well apparently his niece picked up a .22 pistol thinking it was just another airsoft gun and shot her brother in the neck. He was life flighted to the U hospital where he is paralyzed from the chest down. How sad. I can't imagine being in his or his sisters position. How heart wrenching. He is recovering quite well. He still doesnt know that he is paralyzed. The havent told him. He will be in the hospital for 6 or 7 months! On a happier note though I found out today that i get thanksgiving and the day after off! Thats Happy! Haha!

My mommy!

I have the best mom on this planet. Seriously. After the whole Matt and Taush saga or whatever you wanna call it. She knows that I try to hide my feelings from everyone. When Im sad I dont cry in front of people, i just act like things dont bother me. I act like Im angry rather than sad. So last night we were talking and she was telling me about one of her bad break ups and she was talking about my sisters bad break up and I just couldnt take it any more. I burst into sobs and my exact words were "When does it stop hurting." My mom pushed everything she was doing to the side, grabbed my hand and said I'm gonna tell you the truth. It hurts like crazy for the first week. Hurts quite a bit the second week still hurts the third and sometimes fourth week. But usually by the fifth week it only hurts when you hear a song they showed you or something reminds you of them. Sometimes the hurt doesnt go all the way away. I was just sobbing all the way through this. I said Mom i can't do it! And she said "You dont understand how strong you really are, Randi. You are capable of doing so much better. You are beautiful." Than when she thought I was asleep on the couch, which i was pretty out of it cause i took Nyquil I overheard her tell my dad "Our poor baby girl. She's going through her first heartbreak and there is nothing I can do to take the pain away." My dads response was "I know its all a part of growing up". I just want to let my mom know how much i love her. She isn't just my mom. She's my best friend and my hero. She knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me. She knows my likes and my dislikes. And she is always there with a hug no matter what. I trust her with my life. I would take a million bullets for this woman. I have SO much respect for my mom. She truly is the most INCREDIBLE woman I know. She can conquer anything. She is so smart and so beautiful. She can cure any illness with just the touch of her hand. She can't quite cure a broken heart yet but she did have me trash talking and laughing pretty hard last night haha! I just wanted to let her know how much i love her! Thanks for being my shoulder to cry on mommy! I Love you so much!

My beautiful mommy! I luf her!

I'll walk....

Last night I went to my BEAUTIFUL sisters house to go grocery shopping. And lately I have been stressed about alot of stuff. Namely Matt. Well when I got there I asked her if her husband would give me a blessing. Now he had no idea why he asked if I just needed a comfort blessing or what and I said yes, just comfort please! And the second he layed his hands on my head, he knew exactly what was going on. He told me that I had a lot of very hard trials ahead of me. But I wouldn't be alone through them. And he blessed me that I would be a strong enough person to be able to handle them. I just didnt know how soon they would come. Then when I got home last night Matt texted me and told me him and Taush had been hanging out and they really like eachother. It may be immature but I said "You guys are stupid. I'm done with both of you" He didnt even try to fight it or anything he just said okay. I think he thinks that I will cave in and text him. Well I'm not going to this time. Than I texted Taush and said "I heard about you and Matt. Some best friend you are" Than I grabbed my teddy bear and cried myself to sleep. I hate this. I am NOT the girl that cries over a stupid boy! What is wrong with me!?!?! Than Rach helped quite a bit texting me til I fell asleep. She's such a great sister. Than the second I walked in to Krista's office she asked "When are we slashing that Ho's tires?" Haha I love her. It hurts right now and its hard not to cry but im strong. I can handle anything.